see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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