Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
