we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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