My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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