I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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