guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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