bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
