There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
