don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
