Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Someone shit on the floor
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
