There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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