Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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