I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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