Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
