I wish you could order shots online.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize