Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize