I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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