google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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