I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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