I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
being pregnant is like rehab
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
