Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize