had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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