don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
