I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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