we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
