My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
True but thats because hes a fetus.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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