watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
