i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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