I just threw up on my dentist
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
