Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize