He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
pray to the hookup gods
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