My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They took my balls.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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