well I can't set my house on fire every night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
