a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize