I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I currently don't understand fingers.
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