saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
