you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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