It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
