mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
one might say we're banned from that church
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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