OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
