and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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