im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's official drugs can't kill me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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