I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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