I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
