So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
