Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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