his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I didn't notice because vodka
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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