dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Found your dick twin last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
