the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
