I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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