I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
