i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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