there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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