im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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