I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
