Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
