so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
