ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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