none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
