my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize